Today I’m going to share a mental battle with you which has been a real test in a way. This is the darkest my mind has ever been and at its most vulnerable. In a way it’s made me realise that I am stronger than I originally thought. Sharing this might be able to reach out to those that are having simular experiences. My mental battle was contemplating suicide.
13th November 2018 was when my mind turned really dark. I had been feeling a little uneasy as that was sometime normal but I could often flip the feeling and turn it into a positive. But for some reason my mind was at its teather thinking I’m failing at everything and failing everyone. So I wrote a letter apologising to those very close to me. My special friend, my son and my mum. I left each one a message that was so heartfelt and I hid it hoping for it to never be found. I felt better and the feeling disappeared, may be that did the trick or so I thought.
Later that evening an argument had sparked within the household. You know how arguments often go things get said that shouldn’t be said. Safe to say i was in pieces I sorted my son’s dinner out and said to my mum “going for a jog won’t be long”. Deep down my mind was driven to end it in the river Thames. No one would care or even notice that I’m gone !! Maybe it’s better off that way.
Darkness was setting in fast the sky was clear and had beautiful stars. I did my route backwards going into the woodlands first. Maybe this would change my mind. I sat on the steps and tried to clear my head putting my favourite song on. Looking at my phone I took the plunge and thought I’d message my friend who is special and close. I opened up the app and sent the message. Within minutes to my relief he sensed something was wrong and I let it all out. I told him everything and he reassured me it will all be okay in time.
I was majorly relieved that I was able to talk to him. My mind eased and I could see the river in the distance. I fought the urge to jump and go with the current to be found downstream somewhere.. I made the trip home to find my phone was nearly out of battery and I said I’ll speak later on. I made the trip home feeling exhausted mentally. My pride shattered and torn how could I have slipped so dark. Having the mental resilience to never think like that is extremely hard but having enhanced my positive mindset I can honestly say I’m in a good place.
Later that evening I spoke to my friend and safe to say he was relieved I was okay. I slept with some ease knowing I could open up about what had happened. I’m glad I never went through with it. Looking at it now I’m mentally stronger than I thought. This has made me value life alot more and knowing I have someone to talk to. I’ve never thought about suicide again and I never want to.
I came across the suicide note yesterday and I felt frightened. How I could have thought like that. Leaving my son without a mum would be so hard on him and the family. My friend that saved me will always be my hero. I’m glad they never had to read the messages as it would have left a huge amount of guilt and unanswered questions. I’m so relieved as my special friend never had to receive his as it was so heartfelt and open I think it would have broken him completely.
Mental health is something that needs to be closely looked at as many people do go through with the act of suicide. I’m lucky I understand that, but I know the help is out there and the stigma needs to be erased. It’s okay to not be okay. It hasn’t made me weak by speaking about it. In fact that I have spoken about it makes me stronger and sharing with you makes it more courageous. Never be afraud to speak out even if it’s to a friend. It’s saved my life it may well save yours .