Battle scars


Battle Scars is written by Jason “Foxy” Fox, who was formally in the UK’s Elite Special Forces SBS Branch. He had an impressive career in the Armed forces in which he started his career in the Royal Marines. We will know Foxy through the media as he did SAS Who Dares Wins and most recently Meet The Drug Lords: Inside the Real Narcos. Jason is well known for charity work as well such as the Bourne and also Rock2Recovery (which he is an ambassador for). When Jason’s book was announced for release I made the decision to pre-order. So in this post I will be giving my own opinion regarding the book after i have took the time and read it 3 times to try and get a thorough understanding.

Battles Scars was by far the most emotional book that I have had the privilege to read. When I sat and read the first page, I felt physically drawn to the book. The book made such an impact on the first page I had to read more. As I read more of the book I could feel so many emotions being portrayed. I felt sorrow, anguish and worry, there was even a time that I felt as though my heart was going to break and leading to tears (not giving any spoilers i’m afraid). Reading and feeling such raw emotions made me wonder how hard it must be for someone to go through the anguish of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and I even was frightened to know what was going to happen next.

As i got further and further into the book it became apparent that the fight with the condition for Foxy wasn’t easy. I am truly delighted that he was able to share his story and hopefully this will encourage people to speak out. I’m not talking about just PTSD but with mental health in general, as the stigma around it needs to be erased.

The book for me was a true eye opener as I heard of the condition but never really understood it completely. I personally think for Foxy to be able to open up about the ordeal he went through was truly courageous and humbling. Hopefully now the world will have a clear understanding of the battle that someone has been through. For those that have not read the book I would recommend that you read the book as you wont be left disappointed. All I will say is be prepared for an emotional journey that Foxy has had to face. This book is truly inspirational on many levels and the more people are going to read or listen (available on audible) then awareness may hopefully erase the stigma for mental health.


Double Crossed

Double Crossed by Brian Wood was a truly gripping book. As I read the book it became apparent the stress and anguish of being betrayed. The accusations was indescribable and especially of the nature in which they was. I’m truly gald that he was found non guilty. The stress that must have caused especially after so long and having to open the box as it was to remember the events and get them to unveil all over again.

Reading the book my heart was in my throat especially when talking about battle Danny Boy. I couldn’t imagine the stress of the horrific events that’s occurred. The impact on which it had on Brian and his team. Not only that the stress that occurred for the family.

Brian thank you for sharing this with us all. I can’t imagine that it was easy to write especially as it had such an impact and I remember the inquest through the media. It’s a book in which I would read again for sure.

Mental Battle

Today I’m going to share a mental battle with you which has been a real test in a way. This is the darkest my mind has ever been and at its most vulnerable. In a way it’s made me realise that I am stronger than I originally thought. Sharing this might be able to reach out to those that are having simular experiences. My mental battle was contemplating suicide.

13th November 2018 was when my mind turned really dark. I had been feeling a little uneasy as that was sometime normal but I could often flip the feeling and turn it into a positive. But for some reason my mind was at its teather thinking I’m failing at everything and failing everyone. So I wrote a letter apologising to those very close to me. My special friend, my son and my mum. I left each one a message that was so heartfelt and I hid it hoping for it to never be found. I felt better and the feeling disappeared, may be that did the trick or so I thought.

Later that evening an argument had sparked within the household. You know how arguments often go things get said that shouldn’t be said. Safe to say i was in pieces I sorted my son’s dinner out and said to my mum “going for a jog won’t be long”. Deep down my mind was driven to end it in the river Thames. No one would care or even notice that I’m gone !! Maybe it’s better off that way.

Darkness was setting in fast the sky was clear and had beautiful stars. I did my route backwards going into the woodlands first. Maybe this would change my mind. I sat on the steps and tried to clear my head putting my favourite song on. Looking at my phone I took the plunge and thought I’d message my friend who is special and close. I opened up the app and sent the message. Within minutes to my relief he sensed something was wrong and I let it all out. I told him everything and he reassured me it will all be okay in time.

I was majorly relieved that I was able to talk to him. My mind eased and I could see the river in the distance. I fought the urge to jump and go with the current to be found downstream somewhere.. I made the trip home to find my phone was nearly out of battery and I said I’ll speak later on. I made the trip home feeling exhausted mentally. My pride shattered and torn how could I have slipped so dark. Having the mental resilience to never think like that is extremely hard but having enhanced my positive mindset I can honestly say I’m in a good place.

Later that evening I spoke to my friend and safe to say he was relieved I was okay. I slept with some ease knowing I could open up about what had happened. I’m glad I never went through with it. Looking at it now I’m mentally stronger than I thought. This has made me value life alot more and knowing I have someone to talk to. I’ve never thought about suicide again and I never want to.

I came across the suicide note yesterday and I felt frightened. How I could have thought like that. Leaving my son without a mum would be so hard on him and the family. My friend that saved me will always be my hero. I’m glad they never had to read the messages as it would have left a huge amount of guilt and unanswered questions. I’m so relieved as my special friend never had to receive his as it was so heartfelt and open I think it would have broken him completely.

Mental health is something that needs to be closely looked at as many people do go through with the act of suicide. I’m lucky I understand that, but I know the help is out there and the stigma needs to be erased. It’s okay to not be okay. It hasn’t made me weak by speaking about it. In fact that I have spoken about it makes me stronger and sharing with you makes it more courageous. Never be afraud to speak out even if it’s to a friend. It’s saved my life it may well save yours .

Rock2Recovery Half Marathon Journey

Hi everyone so in this blog its going to be about the amazing charity that ill be raising money for and the start of my half marathon training. Let me start by introducing myself to all of you. I’m Jade a 27 year old with big ambitions and dreams. I am a single mum to a 3 year old son who is my absolute world. I used to do physical training till I was 21 and I gave up as for 2 reasons. Firstly I gave up college due to mental health reasons and my course required me to do physical training (Public Services) a fair amount of the time. On the Public services course we had to do various training from basic fitness testing and the most intense training would be from the Royal Marines. The RM fitness was tough and they allowed the women to join in and I would manage till the end okay I struggled at times but I was at my peak then and always finished and the only female left at the end. Secondly I allowed my full time work to take over and I just gave up the positive rush and sometimes the thrill of a good workout. I became bored as the same fitness routine at the gym. By the age of 22 I never went to the gym again looking at it now I wish I kept training as I lost my peak fitness and trying to get back is tough. Last year I made the decision it was time to get back into the training routine and I came across an amazing training programme called Prime Evolution by Break-Point. Looked into the training company and I was instantly drawn. So I paid the joining fee and its been the best decision I have made. While I was training  I came across an event called Virtual Ultra 100 mile marathon, and I could do this at my own pace and you could run it on 4 or 8 weeks. So I signed up and gave myself 8 weeks to complete this as I was unsure.

1st August 2018 came and I started the day strong tackling just under 9 miles. I loved feeling of euphoria after the run/jog it was like the a new spark had reignited the fire which needed to be set alight. I found a new love for something I used to do. Everyday during August I would go for a jog sometimes taking my little one out in the pushchair even in the scorching heat. The miles soon added up, and within 23 days I had finished the challenge and clocking up 106 miles. That’s when I realised I can achieve one if my dreams and that would be able to eventually run the London marathon. I came across a half marathon which is very local and I signed up 29th September 2019 I will be running in the Windsor Half Marathon. I decided to do this as a fundraiser and I came across an amazing charity called Rock2Recovery.

Rock2Recovery is an amazing charity which is Co-Founded by 2 incredible and inspirational people who are Jason “foxy” fox and Jamie Sanderson. They both served in the Royal Marines. Both of them had a very good military careers, here is a little bit about Jamie. Jamie was a Royal Marine commando Sniper. He returned from tour in 2007 and he then broke down. his mind was in pieces after all the stress and war. After spending 6 moths in rehab, Jamie went on a royal marines promotion course and the pressure was intense. His memory went blank the general military work became a blur but he could have done it in his sleep previously. Jamie was then diagnosed with PTSD, he was medically discharged.

Jason who had spent 20 years in the Armed forces who was also a Royal Marine then later on going the Elite Special Forces SBS Branch. He was on tour and Jason became overwhelmed with emotions and stressed. Before long he was thinking of those he loved at home his daughter and mum but he could previously compartmentalise them and focus at the job at hand. Jason then was diagnosed with PTSD and Chronic Burnout. Jason didn’t take the diagnosis lightly as he was a non believer at first. With the right help he was able to over come the condition but it wasn’t an easy battle. He had to endure and overcome the thoughts of suicide from jumping off a cliff to hanging himself.

Jason and Jamie both had their own personal battle with PTSD and they both decided to create a mutual support network. The both of them was there for each other when they needed the assistance. Before long they was able to establish clinics under Rock2Recovery. As the charity grew they was able to get scientists from Oxford University to discuss their theories on the brain and the recovery process. Before they knew it Rock2Recovery became established and its a well known charity which does incredible work for all those that need the help.


Rock2recoverys mission is to save and change the lives of those in our Armed Forces, our Veteran community and their families who are affected by stress. Our approach is to inspire, coach and motivate towards a more positive future. Personally I thought this is an incredible charity and especially to help the Armed Forces community. As I looked into the charity more it gave me the inspiration and I then got in touch with the people that deal with the fundraising and I am now a proud member of Team Fortitude (ill post my link at the bottom of the blog for anyone who would love to sponsor the event).

Half Marathon Training.

When I signed up for the half marathon I started training and ensuring I have the proper running trainers. with that in mind I set my goals and started smashing them, I was jogging every other day and using my break point workouts along side. Each time I was running I had sheer determination to build up the 13.1 miles I would need to run for the half marathon.

I would mix my distances up and I made it into a game if it was and I would make it a personal goal to beat the previous times and I did exactly that. so a 5 mile run used to take 1hr 30 (slow I know right) I then got it down to 59 mins. Not going to lie I felt on top of the world and just knocking over 30 mins off was a massive achievement and fuelled the determination even more. Every run was planned from which route I would take and best ways in increase the di and 5 miles then became 7 miles. My first run at 7 miles was tough but I loved the feeling after despite feeling the muscles burn. My first 7 miles had a reasonable time of 1hr 59mins, I have to take into consideration the terrain and the weather as I’m lucky to be close to National Trust Land. I was pushing my body to far and one run my knee gave in taking me down at the 3.5 mile mark. I wasn’t accepting that at all, so I got up laughed, stretched and carried on without any trouble. Maybe it was slip on the mud who knows. When I got back home I checked and I took 10 mins off the previous time. Happy with the progress I used the euphoria feeling to smash my 80min prime evolution assessment without thinking what happened to me on the run.

Days later I was intense pain and my knee swelled oopps…. emergency doctor appointment it was. The doctor took a look at my knee and said ” you’ve aggravated your knee and you have fluid on the knee”. Gutted didn’t even cover how I was feeling, walking out with a prescription for painkillers and a physio referral I was annoyed as I was banned from any form of training for 6 weeks. I know that was going to my head in and make me grumpy as I was at my happiest training and enjoying the outdoors. Days later I was rushed to hospital as my pain had increased significantly and swelling had increased, first thought that came into my head “crap I really have done some serious damage. Goodbye half marathon”.

I was given some extremely strong painkillers and I was on another planet I tell you now. I was physically hopping around on one leg laughing my head off. I was assessed and that was extremely painful and I got soft tissue damage along side fluid on the knee. I was told to rest and given extremely strong meds and crutches. I was relieved as I was informed that my half marathon was in sight but the painkillers was horrible. All they did was make me drowsy I couldn’t function properly, and when moving on crutched I felt drunk. I made a conscientious decision I needed to try and maintain my fitness despite the training ban that loomed over me. I did gentle stretches and the interesting Abvent that break point created.

Before long Christmas and new year had come and gone and the training ban was over, YES!!!! my first run 1st January 2019 and it felt amazing to back running again it felt like forever. The time was slow but I was happy to be back outside and enjoying what lies ahead. jogging has become my escape and a source of determination. I went on a jog yesterday and it was the toughest one yet. Being outdoors yesterday was like walking into a winter wonderland seeing the hard frost it reminded me of a classic winter scene. I managed 1.11 miles without any issue and then boom I lost motivation my mind didn’t want go anymore. I stopped breathed, recalibrated and delivered. I pushed my negativity out of the way and carried on. Okay I didn’t jog I did the last 5 miles in intervals so I jogged and quick paced walked. I felt disappointed as it didn’t go to plan, but being positive minded its was acceptable to have bad days as they allow the body to adapt and repair for the next session.

My journey has only just begun to be fair and I am pushing hard to be physically and mentally prepares for this epic journey of my half marathon. I’m signed up for a 2hour 30 mins+ interval but I am determined to be prepared and beat that time. I would really appreciate the support on this incredible journey. If anyone would lobe to donate please click on the link below and I know it will truly be grateful and appreciated not only by myself and the incredible work that Rock2Recovery do.

My biggest battle

My biggest battle was one that was the toughest I had to endure and in a way its made me the person I am today. My battle started when I was 8 1/2 years old who never had a care in the world. I was your typical 8 year old who loved to be outdoors and enjoying each day. That all changed and took me on a dangerous journey .

I never minded going to school I struggled but I loved doing PE and various other tasks which was hands on. My attitude soon changed when the bullying started. I was the small fat girl with glasses. I became a victim and I didn’t understand why. Every day I was tormented because of who I was. It firstly didn’t bother me but over time looking back it ground me down. The bullying got worse and it started to become physical. They would push me around like I was a ball, while doing this I would be slandered. Whenever I would say something it made it 100 times worse. They would often push me or deliberately trip me up. That wasn’t the worst, they locked me in the girls toilets and would often take my glasses away so i struggled to see. They broke them on several occasions so it meant having to get them repaired. Looking back i wondered if it could get any worse and it did. 

The bullying made me feel so self-conscious at a young age and this was often because I had a good appetite and I still do at times. For me eating at school was an uncomfortable affair especially as the bullying intensified. I would sit at the table minding my own business with my pink lunchbox with my favorite stickers plastered on the box. The bully’s would always make sure that i’m in there sights I would never get a moments peace. They would make snide comments like “whats piggy got for lunch??” or “no wonder shes so fat!”.Hearing those comments would sit and play on my mind even when I went to sleep. There was days that they went in my lunch box and took the food.  Not going to lie lunch time was now some thing i wanted to avoid, and that’s when I pretend to eat my lunch and throw the rest away or eat very little. I started doing it and I really didn’t care, the bully’s saw and they loved what i was doing. I was doing this for roughly 3 weeks and a teacher noticed that i was in and out of the canteen very fast and I was caught red handed. I had to explain why I was throwing my lunch away. My mind saying tell them about the bullying even though nothing was being done about it, but No i said “I wasn’t hungry”. 

The teacher never accepted that so I was made to sit with the teachers every lunchtime, great more to add to the bullying. Being made to sit and eat with the teachers was sometimes a blessing, especially as one loved all my stickers (personally I think it was to make me more comfortable). I remember eating my lunch and I would have a feeling of being sick to my stomach and it actually happened being physically sick after eating. My stomach had shrunk over the time of me not eating and then being made to eat. 

Me being sick after eating then became the new normal in my everyday life. The bullying was still really bad i would have bruises on my legs and arms, i used to say I fell over. I was terrified and I would protest in going to school, even making myself sick so I could stay at home and play with my Polly pocket or barbie dolls. I was made to go to school and have to endure the bullying.   With me eating my lunch I was finally able to avoid the teachers table, but I would secretly go off an make myself sick. I then slipped into a dangerous routine and hole that could potentially kill me. I was even doing it at home without my mum knowing at first any way. 

Over time I lost control of what I was doing and the sickness and routine became overwhelming. Next thing I knew I was at school then I collapsed to the floor. I was rushed to hospital and placed on a drip. It turns out my body was under nourished and the truth came out of what I was doing.  The doctors didn’t have much knowledge at the time so I was referred to a specialist unit in Great Ormand Street Hospital in London. The specialist unit was called ABC (Anorexia and Bulimia Care) unit and in there that’s when I was diagnosed with Anorexia. My mum was given all the information of what the condition entailed and what the treatment would be. She was informed that if I didn’t change my ways and fast my body was on the verge of shutting down. My vital organs was struggling to cope with what i was doing, in which my heart would eventually go into cardiac arrest resulting in me dying . I had never seen my mum break like she did and looking at my weak body with all the fluids replacing all the nutrition my body craved for.

It was down to me to fight this personally and tell the voices in my head I wanted to be better. The getting better was the hardest part on 2 levels, firstly accepting I have a problem then eating. I made a promise to my mum to get better but it meant staying in hospital. I was on the drips for a little while and bed rest to ensure my body was slowly recovering and allowing the nutrition to get into my system. The toughest of the battle was about to start and that was eating and not being sick. It was so tough to not be sick and at first it was natural instinct to be sick. I soon learnt to resist the urge to be sick then anorexia made you feel tremendous amount of guilt as your trying to get better. Ill put my hands up and yes i did make myself sick as the guilt was a huge amount bare. But with the right help I learnt that the guilt would soon go away and it did. 

During my time at GOSH I made a friend called Mi-mi as she loved to be called and it made the recovery a lot easier to bare. We became very close and we would laugh a lot and we were close very fast.  Me and Mi-mi had a fair amount in common with how we got into the situation and that was bullying. At meals times we was monitored and we would sit together often swapping our juice or fruit, they didn’t like it but we always made sure we ate everything. So we made a promise with each other that we would both get better and stay in touch.  When we had tough times in the recovery we was able to cheer up each other, this made anorexia a lot easier to deal with. One day Mi-mi disappeared and I wondered where she went. I was told she was able to go home, It made me more determined for me to go home and I maybe able to see her again.  It turns out she passed away and I was told on my very last appointment, even to this day I have never forgotten her. 

The treatment for the anorexia was so tough, especially when you have to resist the urge to be sick. You get horrific tummy cramps and I often cried. I remember trying to wriggle out of the nurse who held me back to make a break for it to be sick. When you went to the bathroom you was being watched to make sure you wasn’t doing something you shouldn’t. I remember walking into a room and in front of me was a tall mirror. I was asked to tell them what I see. I reluctantly walked to the mirror and I stared at my recovering body scared I said clearly ” a small fat four eyed freak” while saying that I heard the bully’s laughter very clearly. I could have burst into tears as the hole was a dark place for me to be in and it was sucking me in further. It turns out anorexia changes how your mind and  your thoughts. This makes you see you at previous state and in fact your completely the opposite. Part of me didn’t want to get better but   i fought hard. I didn’t want to die i wanted to live, this was battle was hell.
Over time I gained weight and the psychiatrists  helped me to learn to love who I was and how to channel the negative thoughts. I gained enough weight to be allowed home and I was excited. Being able to eat knowing it does your body good and not feeling guilty seemed strange at first but it was amazing to be back on track.

Going home was the best feeling with knowing I wasn’t going to have blood tests everyday or being constantly asked “how are you feeling today?”. But i was still being monitored with my eating but I was getting better, and slowly adapting to the new me. Before long I felt happy and eating like nothing changed. I was told your going back to school and I felt physically sick. My mum sat me down and explained i had to face up to the bully’s and go back to school. The first day was hard even though I never lost out on lessons as they taught you in the hospital it was knowing that was how it all started.

I was petrified but I walked into my classroom for the first time in months and the bully’s had gone, i felt relief but confusion. It turns out that they was kicked out as they beat up another child. I was watched for a while with my eating till I was trusted and it wasn’t long before I was free from being watched all the time. I was bullied though out my primary and secondary school but I was able to deal with it a lot better without going back into the hands of anorexia.  I know if I was to ever go back to anorexia that I wouldn’t come out alive this time, but I have learnt a lot and im never going back down that dark hole.

Since my battle with the condition I believe I am a stronger person and have a better perception of life. I am one of those people that would talk about my time with the condition to hopefully inspire someone to get better. I have a heart that if I can help someone then I will. The doctors wasn’t sure of what my future would be as anorexia harms the body a lot. I have been lucky thankfully no serious damage was caused. I was lucky in 2015 to welcome my son Lucas into the world. My pregnancy went well but i was closely monitored even though i have been fully recovered for  nearly 15 years.

The only downfall would be end of 2011 into 2012 I used to have flashbacks 10 years after being recovered. I would wake up feeling frightened and confused. The voices came back and the feeling of deja vu. I was on edge and very panicky, I struggled to breathe. So I made  the decision to quite college and go to work full time. I was diagnosed with anxiety and panic attack disorder. They placed on medication which made me feel worse. So in the end  refused to take them and deal with the situation at hand. I spoke to a specialist and she couldn’t believe that anorexia was tying to take hold again so long after recovery. But I kept to my word and I always ate. My weight has been stable and iv’e been pretty healthy.

I like to think that learning and recovering from this ordeal has made me the  determined person I am today. I’m never afraid to talk about this as its a mental health condition which can have catastrophic physical effects. It wasn’t an easy recovery as I could have gone backwards but I didn’t. That is why I am able to hold my head up high and say “I SURVIVED AND STANDING STRONG”. Unfortunately eating disorders go on though and is an everyday occurrence and some never make it to the other side of recovery.  I would like to say if anyone is reading this please you are able to get better. You are all strong and worth it in this world. Being recovered is a blessing and you will be stronger and better for doing so. Your not alone and never will be, hold your head up and you’ve got this. I’ve learnt to love myself and I’m learning what i truly am capable of mentally and physically.

ANT Middleton First Man In

Many of us will know Ant Middleton from the media for Sas Who Dares Wins, Escape, Mutiny and most recently Extreme Everest. So on this page I’ll be giving my opinion of his book and also his live talk show.

I made the conscientious decision to pre order the book as I had previously read the Sas leadership book and loved the show.

First Man in was an incredible book on the various lessons that Ant had learnt. The book gave me some very valuable information on how to deal with situations. How Ant was so open about the time he served in the military and his family is admirable. The book to me is an inspiration to all of those that read it. It’s a book in which I read over and over again.

I was fortunate to be able to go to see Ant in Cardiff on 31st August 2018 and the show was incredible. The banter Ant delivered along side his show. I had never laughed so much, but at the same time learning valuable lessons such as the fear bubble technique. That technique was incredible and it has come to my advantage at times. I was amazed at how open he was and delivering such a powerful message to the public, seeing young children listening and taking on the techniques was outstanding.

So I sat and watched Ant’ s latest adventure Extreme Everest and it was phenomenal. I remember feeling on edge in certain parts (No spoliers). It was an incredible to watch and the footage was outstanding. It’s amazing what happens when you put your mind to anything.

I just wanted to say Thank you Ant 👍

Break Point Prime Evolution

As a single mum I wanted to get fit and active again as i was previously. I used to train but I lost motivation and the spark that I once desired. After trying several training programmes I found them boring and not very motivational. Then advert for break-point appeared I had a look and was instantly drawn.

What is break-point??

Break Point is a 360° fitness training programme, which was designed by Ollie Ollerton (former elite special forces sbs branch) designed. The programme had been designed with such care and procision that it caters for everyone. Within the programme has 3 main elements

  1. Mind
  2. Body
  3. Nutrition

For me that seemed a perfect idea!! It’s a 20-30 mins a day and all on your pc or phone. Various downloads to help you and explain each movement.

So I joined up the Break Point programme which is called Prime Evolution. Since joining I have never looked back. I remember signing up as though it was yesterday, my evolution has been incredible and I have learnt a huge amount.

My first ever BPPE ( break point prime evolution) workout was interesting as I hadn’t done anything like that in a long time. As I progressed within the workouts my body slowly adapted. Yes I was achy alot and very sore but it would make me more determined to achieve and reach various goals. I always like to say no pain no gain or pain is weakness leaving the body.

Living out of my comfort zone has been a true blessing. I have met some incredible along the way from the programme. I have pushed myself by doing a virtual ultra marathon 100 miles in August along side my BPPE training. With all my training I was able to smash it in just under half the time frame i originally signed up for which was 8 weeks. I push my limits and beat my various jogging times on the various distances.

The mind element has been a life saver and especially through tough times. At first I wondered how it would all fit into place and it just did.

I have never been so aware of nutritional benefits before. Eating cleaner and more healthy is now a choice I am proud to have changed.

The help you get from BPPE and the community they have created is second to none. Each member is like a member of your own family. They are so motivational and each one inspiring not only to be better people but inspire others. The team that are behind break point are always there to help you and are very true to what they have created.

Not only have they created this amazing fitness programme but they run epic courses as well which gives you an insight. I’m yet to attend one but I hear they are pretty awesome. Don’t take just my word for it there are so many incredible results.

I’m charge of my evolution.